I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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