Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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