He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
