he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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