im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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