I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
