I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Four minutes until I can fart!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
