i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
