i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
