I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
