I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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