She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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