we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
How's work?
Spinning.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
