Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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