he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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