That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
