He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
