Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
