His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
