All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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