Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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