After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
