The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
