you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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