Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize