Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
