THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
