Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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