im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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