I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize