I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
