I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My life is pants optional.
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