There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
