Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
