I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
