dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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