it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
