Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
