i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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