I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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