I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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