i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
