he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
