decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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