No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
