I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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