you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
