My liver just broke up with me...
Someone shit on the floor
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
