He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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