Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My liver just had a heart attack.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
