i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
