Whod you bang
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
