Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
