chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
