so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
