did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
