1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
