I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
