I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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